DELUSIONAL.
On fandom and memory.
“…and last of all he appeared to me also, as to one abnormally born.’
- 1 Corinthians 15:8
Refereeing a football game requires interpretation. The game has laws, but one must read the situation based on the spirit of the game, consider the carelessness of a foul, or each team’s tactical approach to the game. Without effective game control things can escalate very quickly.
This, more than anything is about faith and delusion. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, and other times you tie.
Yet, no one remembers the referee. This is only true if the ref did their job faithfully.
One must be the hidden force behind the event that everyone else came to see. If the players, coaches, or worse; the crowd remembers you, then the reading of the game was not what it should be. If one referees the game, imagining themselves as the main character, a certain amount of delusion is necessary.
I became an Arsenal fan the way the apostle Paul became a Christian. The Spirit of the game found me mid pandemic, anxious, depressed, and middle aged.
I had decided to coach my youngest child’s 8U AYSO team. A certain amount of delusion is necessary to attempt this.
My only knowledge of soccer (this is what I called it at that time) was blindly following the Mexican National team anytime they played. In preparation for my first season coaching 8 year olds, I ascended (delusional) into a hyper focus spiral into all things football.
I shared this new delusion with my Basketball group chat. Eventually, the conversation led to the Premier League and I decided to pick a team randomly. Mostly so that I could participate in the friendly banter. Then one day I saw All or Nothing: Arsenal. I still remember watching my first Mikel Arteta locker room speech and thinking, ‘I would run through a brick wall for this man.’ I had made a decision.
I am now an Arsenal Football Club fan, or gooner, as the official Arsenal Instagram account calls the fanbase. British people do hilarious and wonderful things with the King’s English.
It does not seem limited in all the ways that ‘American’ English refuses to call a thing as it really is. Most ‘American’ English curse words reveal how much estadunidenses are taught to hate the human body and its actions. A large amount of delusion is necessary for an entire country to believe this.
Speaking of belief, I’ve heard all the criticisms against Arsenal and I believe they are valid, it just depends on how you read the situation. Bottlers. Set Piece FC. 2nd place 3-peat. Either way, they show up each game and display consistency, focus, and teamwork. Being a football fan requires interpretation. Most, if not all, of the online discourse is created to foster outrage. Hot takes get the views and make the money.
If one were to follow every aspect of this team, you would see during interviews that the players, the coach, and staff don’t believe the discourse. They have their own version of the story to tell.
I’ve since watched all the highlights I missed in the last 15 years. Arsene Wenger. Thierry Henry. The Invincibles. Carlos Vela. Mikel Arteta on All or Nothing. The heartbreak of the 22-23 Season. The heartbreak of the 23-24 season. I’ve watched every game for the last two and a half seasons. I’ve deluded myself into being more than just a bandwagon fan. I did not experience all of these memories live, but I’ve become a fan of this specific group of players, and want nothing more than for my coach (delusional) to smile and reap the rewards of all his hard work.
Being a human requires the faithful work of interpretation. At times, one will insert themselves into a story in order to survive. It is either following a North London football team or descend into anxiety and depression. We must learn to name things as they are, but in the meantime, a poetic reference can serve as a placeholder if one is to keep their soul, mind, and body alive. There is nothing shameful about trying to survive.
For example, my mom’s memory is not what it used to be. A few years ago, she was diagnosed with dementia, and she has started to forget my face.
She has been resilient and stubborn in the best ways her entire life, but that life has caught up with her. She used to believe that the streets in Los Angeles were made of gold. Only to find that it was just the city’s reflection in the Skyscraper windows.
Smoke and Mirrors. Bread and Circus.
She was a farmworker that picked strawberries from sun-up to sundown and eventually qualified for asylum. Because of her dementia, she qualified for an assisted living facility waiver, and can be cared for around the clock.
This does not take away the shame, guilt, and pain that I feel. I might be a terrible son.
I am losing my mother slowly and I need to learn how to live with this truth. I will honor my mom by naming the situation as it is, caring for her where I am able to, and asking for her blessing every time I see her.
Being an Arsenal fan requires patience. The team has its ups and downs, but one must read the situation based on the spirit of the season, consider the weight of the game being played, or the coaches tactical approach towards the specific competition. Without effective tactical control, a cup or a season can be lost very quickly.
Arsenal is about to play Man City in the Carabao Cup Final. I need this win as much as Mikel Arteta needs it. One must do the work necessary and give themselves a chance to deserve a win.
UPDATE:
We lost 2-0.
There’s a difference between faith and delusion, and it is separated by whoever is there to embrace you in your descent.